UDURU SENTINEL - Covering the World on a Bike for a Dime

by Adari Miwiqui Udofus

IRIKI, UDURU -- Reporting from the footsteps of the paper terrorist headquarters in Iriki, Uduru, we have gathered evidence that a movement has finally taken foothold in the homeland of the United States of America. Until the 2000 elections, the United States had been abastion for democratic governments. Leaders were elected by popular votes that translated into electoral votes which ultimately determined the newly elected president.

With the injection of the United States Supreme Court into a tightly contested vote counting aberration in the state of Florida in the year 2000, then governed by the brother of a presidential contender, a simple resolution was found. Stop the count! The Supreme Court will appoint the president. How simple. An appeal was made. A decision was rendered. It was done. The son of a previous president, and former Governor of Texas was selected to rule the land based on voting irregularities in a state, governed by the brother of the newly selected President, and by extension, son of the former president.

Said one merchant in the streets of Uduru, “This follows the model for selection of chieftains of Iriki Uduru for a thousand years. All praise to the god Elephantux, who guards and protects the rolling plains and rustling winds that clean homes of mothers and fathers of man”.

Since presidents are no longer elected in the United States there are new rules of engagement. When the Selected President decided he wanted to engage in a war against a sovereign nation, he informed the congress and the American people that “his lawyer” had informed him that he did not need congressional approval to declare a war. His lawyer was later chosen by the Selected President for a judgeship that put him in the Supreme Court!

The new President subsequently had his minions establish military tribunals to try criminals. HE determines who can be tried. Only HE can grant clemency. Persons on trial have no rights. They cannot face their accusers. The have little or no access to evidence related to their "crime." As a matter of fact, HIS tribunal abolished habeas corpus, which had been the basis of their justice system since the founding of the country.

This New Order now found new quandries that impacted the ability to manage this evolving New Nation!? A true dictator needs a tool that allows him to round up citizens, execute or incinerate (sorry, spelling error), and incarcerate them for indefinite periods of time. Parents, relatives, attorneys will be denied access to prisoners. The prisoner need not be made aware of his/her crime. Local governors, mayors, district attorneys can identify a citizen, making him subject to the new “tool”. In Chairman Mao as well as Stalin's reign, family members, employers with grudges, anyone could identify a citizen and bury him/her in the bowels of the system. The scope of the tool has not yet been determined, however there are whispering in the winds of extensive use of it to harness the media and, in the end, create a new information agent tailored to the needs of HIM. This psuedo Marxist idiology as partially implemented by Chairman Mao and Stalin had success with this philosophy for managing the masses for several decades.

The “Paper Terrorist” was one of the new euphemisms for handling “problems” in the New Order. A legal definition of Paper Terrorist cannot be found, though citizens have been tried, found guilty, had property seized, and been imprisoned or disappeared. THEY haven't identified the scope of the "Total Solution" but it is apparently in the pipeline -- according to informed sources.

The citizens of the United States have not yet determined how they should address the new head of their nation. A non-scientific street corner poll of citizens of Uduru elicited these suggestions -- King, Dictator, Eminence, BigMoFo, LilMoFo, and finally, daBush. These suggestions will be passed on to the US inner circles through secured channels.

Having now followed the politics for that nation for some eight years, we are confident that the new president will be daMac, and at his side daWoman who already speaks and listens to her personal gods. These gods will direct her path when daMac steps down after a few weeks for undisclosed illness, to spend more time at his seven mansions, or other reasons to be determined. The gods of daWoman has already identified evil nations and religions whose souls will never find god. One of her Her implied intents is to have Jews convert to Christianity in order to remove them from the targeted list of The Evil. This designation is an evolution from Evil Doers of daBush regime.

Said one official, who spoke under promise of non-disclosure, "Come spring of next year, we will invite them to hunt and eat with us. Perhaps they will bring Polar Bear Skins as offerings and we will provide gifts equal in mass and intent."